


Pardon Our (Bone) Dust

by murkycran



Series: Sanders Sides [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Buzzfeed Unsolved References, Buzzfeed Unsolved True Crime, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Intrulogical if you squint, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Remus' brand of humor, cannibalism jokes, i know how the tags look okay but i swear this is supposed to be cute/humorous, its all in good humor, talk about amputation and murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27363562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murkycran/pseuds/murkycran
Summary: "Oh, Nerd, you know me so well. It's horrendously flattering." Remus coyly batted his eyelashes at an unimpressed Logan for a few seconds before the act dropped and he said seriously, "But for real, though. Earhart getting munched on by crabs is canon now. I decree it. Might even recreate it later. Wanna watch with me and time how long it takes?"Logan looked thoughtful like he was considering saying yes.---Remus, Logan, and Virgil watching BFU.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930054
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18
Collections: TSS Fanworks Collective





	Pardon Our (Bone) Dust

**Author's Note:**

> Had a dumb thought the other day while reminiscing about BFU and the Amelia Earhart episode. Combined that with my love for imagining Remus, Logan, and Virgil as the ghoul boys and got this instead.

"- _threw away the bones_."

"He WHAT?!" Remus' bowl of uncooked popcorn kernels went flying through the air, sending the small kernels across himself, Logan, and the area surrounding their shared sofa. "Now we'll never know if Amelia Earhart was eaten by giant crabs!"

Logan was unfazed by the sudden mess all over himself and the couch and simply paused the Buzzfeed Unsolved episode that he, Remus, and Virgil were watching. "I'm sure even if we did know for certain what happened to her, you'd still choose to believe she was eaten by crabs."

"Oh, Nerd, you know me so well. It's horrendously flattering." Remus coyly batted his eyelashes at an unimpressed Logan for a few seconds before the act dropped and he said seriously, "But for real, though. Earhart getting munched on by crabs is canon now. I decree it. Might even recreate it later. Wanna watch with me and time how long it takes?"

Logan looked thoughtful like he was considering saying yes.

Virgil, sitting on the adjacent sofa and eyeing the other two sides, leaned forward to pick up his spiderwebbed coffee cup off the coffee table. "You better hope those kernels didn't get in my coffee. And I'm pretty sure history doesn't work like that." 

"It does if I say it does," Remus sang, idly picking up a popcorn kernel that was caught in his sash and popping it in his mouth to grind between his teeth. "Man, what a waste of bones."

The logical side beside him nodded in agreement. "Indeed, his lack of foresight is very disappointing. One of the world's greatest mysteries might be solved right now had it not been for his arrogance in assuming his findings were correct."

"Maybe. But then if all mysteries were solved we wouldn't be watching Buzzfeed Unsolved and no one would make videos about cryptids and conspiracies," Virgil said before taking a sip of his coffee. 

Remus sighed overdramatically, seemingly exasperated with his fellow sides. "I don't care if they solve it or not, because nothing will change my mind that she and her co-pilot were eaten by crabs. What I _meant_ was that bones are neat and useful and he just threw them away!"

Virgil saw the look on Logan's face. "No, don't ask-"

"What do you mean by 'useful'? They certainly serve an important function for our bodies, but that's only as long as the person is alive and their bones are...intact."

Remus grinned wickedly. "I'm so glad you asked." He held up a hand and bent back his index finger until it snapped, broken. "For one, you can sharpen them! Make pointy bits to stab people with. _Ooh_ , imagine if you cut off someone's leg but bandaged them up so they didn't die, left them in your basement, boiled the meat off their leg bones, then took the tibia, sharpened it, and then came back and stabbed them to death with their own tibia!" 

Virgil set his coffee back down on the coffee table, suddenly looking a little green. Unperturbed, Logan said, "As ancient humans did with animal bones, then."

"Exactly!" Remus tried to point at Logan with his broken index finger, but it simply hung limp. The intrusive side then held up his hand again and bent his middle finger back, breaking it with a snap as well. "Secondly, all the culinary uses!" 

The anxious side that was an unfortunate witness to these events suddenly stood up. " _Okay_ , I'm getting a refill if you're going to keep talking about this."

Remus continued as if he hadn't heard Virgil. "So, first off, there's bone broth. Boil a buncha bones, and _bam_ , bone broth. Nutritious and hearty."

Logan pushed his glasses up further on his face. "While I can't attend to whether bone broth is 'nutritious' or 'hearty', I know for a fact that traditional bone broth is made from those of animals, not humans."

"You don't know that for sure! For all we know, there's some genius out there boiling up some femurs right about now to make a tasty soup. Oh, and the _bone marrow_! Have you ever tasted bone marrow?"

The logical side wore a wry expression that echoed his amusement. "No, I have not."

Remus flung himself back against the couch, looking distraught. "I haven't either! I've been trying to convince Tommy Boy, but I don't think he'll go for it." 

At this point, Virgil cautiously made his way back into the living room clutching his coffee cup to his chest. "Are you two done with the bones?"

The intrusive side winked at Virgil. "Almost." Turning back to Logan, he said, "And lastly, perhaps the best use for bones, grinding them up." 

Virgil sighed heavily but went to sit down again as Logan asked, "And what exactly would you do with...ground-up bones?"

"Well, I've heard the bone dust makes pretty good pet food, but I haven't gotten to try any of it myself. You know what my favorite use of bone dust is, though?" Remus was talking to Logan, but he was grinning at Virgil, who felt his gaze and looked up to meet his eye warily. 

"I don't know, but I'm sure you're going to tell me, as that seemed to be a rhetorical question."

Remus' smile grew even wider at Virgil's suddenly uneasy expression. "Bone dust makes the _best_ coffee creamer powder!"

The anxious side froze. "You did not." 

Remus continued to smile but said nothing. 

"Oh my god." Suddenly Virgil stood up and by some miracle, only a few drops of coffee splashed out of the cup as he shoved it onto the coffee table. "You _didn't._ Remus. Tell you didn't."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Virgin," Remus said innocently (or as innocent as he could).

Virgil stared at his coffee cup for a few long, tense seconds before saying,"...I'm going to get Janus, and if you're lying, I'm going to kill you. Actually, no, I'm going to kill you either way." A hand came to cover his mouth. "But first I think I need to go throw up."

Logan raised a hand to calm the anxious side. "Virgil, wait-"

Too late. Virgil dashed for the stairs, flipping the two of them (or, realistically, just Remus) the bird. 

Remus was already cackling even before the purple side had made it up the stairs. Logan raised one eyebrow at the green side. "Even if you did somehow replace the coffee creamer with...bone dust, I highly doubt it would dissolve into coffee like regular creamer powder."

"Oh, I don't doubt that you're right, Nerd. But did you see the _look_ on his face?" The intrusive side once again dissolved into laughter. Logan simply shook his head with a small smile, pulling out his phone to send Virgil a text reassuring him about the quality of his coffee. 

**Author's Note:**

> Boy, if only you could see my search history right now. 
> 
> To clarify, this isn't linked to the other oneshot I have in this same series btw. This particular oneshot is in canon verse (if canon had no conflicts between characters, because no way would Virgil ask Janus for help as they are now lol).


End file.
